Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Life Update

Hola amigos,

   It has been a while.That means I have a lot to talk about.This post may get a little crazy,so just bear with me.
  First,My daughter and I saw Hotel Transylvania 2 last Sunday. Unbeknownst to my daughter I fell asleep for the majority of it lol. However,she had a great time and that's what's most important.From what I can remember it was really good.Am I the only one that goes to movies just for the snacks?I'm a real health nut,But when I go to the movies I have no problem with eating my faves: Nachos and popcorn-with butter.Yes,with butter. And no movie is enjoyable with Sour Patch kids.So check out Hotel Transylvania.
  What am I reading? Currently,nothing. I've halfheartedly tried starting three books.All are books that I should be interested in,and I am,but I don't know-I'm just not.(Actually I will tell you why later.)I'm seriously distracted guys,and I lay part of the blame on my family.Which brings me to my next current event.
  My family-myself,dogs,husband,and kids-are great.My younger sister-not so much.I have an older brother who has settled on a life of crime.He done hard time-10 years.He has no more strikes.He gets into trouble now and he's a lifer for sure.That said,he is a wanted man.And my sister is the bait.
What had happened was a package arrived at my sister's house.She's thinking,"Yay! My Amazon is here!!" But her name wasn't on it,my older brother's name was.Odd she thought,but accepted it anyway.As she is putting the package in her room on the floor there is a knock on the front screen door. It's the Feds, and they waste no time rushing in, putting my sister down on the floor, and cuffing her.They ask her about the package.Does she know what's in it? She says no.Points out that it's not addressed to her.Comments that the package looks like it's already been opened.Then the Feds confess that they were the one's who stopped the package in transit and opened it for photo purposes.Apparently they had been following the box from its departure in Cali.And inside is $85,000 (street value) worth of cocaine.WTF!!! My older brother is an asshole.The Feds have repeatedly told my sister they don't want her.That they want my brother.Yet she has been locked up under a $100,000 bond for a week and my brother-who has spoken with the Feds twice-is still M.I.A..They didn't lower it at her bond hearing,and now I've had to hire a lawyer just to get another hearing in the hopes that the lawyer can get it lowered to where I don't need a house to get my sister out.Understandably my sister is a wreck.My younger brother and I are taking care of the bills and her job will be waiting for her when she gets out.We keep her with plenty of money on the books, and I visit her as much as possible.The struggle is real,and this incident alone is havoc on me with my anxiety.At these numbers a lawyer wont give you the time of day for free.Pray for me and my sister.
   How about this weather.We got rain for a week straight here in NC.Which meant that C&C Concrete made $0 last week.And on top of that my stove finally has gone caput.Not a good time of year for this to happen.Anyone who knows this trade understands me on this.But having to deal with my sister made the workless week a godsend.Finally the sun has returned.There's not a cloud in the sky today.The air is cool and crisp,and the leaves are turning.I love fall.

   So those are my current events.Normally my life is quiet bordering on depressingly quiet. But the cosmos sure does have a way with keeping you on your toes.I'll catch up with you guys later in my next blog.And remember,be good to each other.



Sunday, September 27, 2015

I Havent Forgotten About You

Hello Guys,

    So a lot has happened since my last visit with you guys.First is probably the best news. I have a med regimen that works for me.I did run into one bump in this area.At first I had Lithium.I gained weight on it, causing my blood pressure to go up.I stopped taking it immediately,and the Dr. put me on Tryliptol.I got better and exercise got the extra weight off.But even still I had lingering bouts of depression.I felt as if I wasn't all the way there.So we added a low dose SSRI. And magic happened.I'm myself again.Along with the therapy sessions I can actually say that I am happy.I'm looking forward to the fall,and Halloween,and parties.I actually took a little vacation.Well I spent the weekend at my sister's house.A break from the kids.I slept in.I read-A LOT.I relaxed,and had adult conversations.I met two new people also.And I am happy.
   So my brother and sister.They are both younger than me.And they share a house an hour away from me.It's family,it's quiet,it's perfect.I bring my makeup,take long showers,everything is at my pace.And I've met some interesting people.One is a complete nerd,but fun for those late night text sessions.We can really be ourselves around each other and it's nice.The other is a person that I never though I would be friends with,but we get along better than famously.It's wonderful.Hard to believe that at one time I thought I'd never have friends.
  That's meds,and social.The other is my diet and exercise.That is going well also.I'm doing alot of challenging stuff.I'm surprising myself.And my husband with me. Of course we have lost quite a bit of weight,but more importantly we feel great.My blood pressure has come back down.So everything is moving into a more and more positive direction everyday

  So there you have a short and sweet version of what I have been up to.I have made a major shift in my life and I feel both brand new and a little scared.Mostly of relapsing.I'm terrified of going back to what I was.But I try not top think on it.Take care and until next time BYE!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Bout Of Books Day 5

Hey guys,

   So I finished "The Keeping" by Nicky Charles and went straight into
   I am really enjoying the story in this series.I did not do the "Character Soulmates" challenge for Friday.I didn't have the time.But Blue Books and Butterflies has a very nice blog.Check it out http://bluebooksandbutterflies.blogspot.com/

Friday, August 21, 2015

Bout of Books Day 4


   So day four and I am reading all the time.I halfway through

   I also did the "Four Seasons in Book Covers" challenge.
I am sorry if you are a reader who likes page counts.I haven't cared to record them.I'm reading and I am enjoying what I read.I never think to record the numbers until I am posting and it dawns on me that I've forgotten again.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

B-O-B Day 3


   So what did I get up to book-wise on the third day of the readathon?? Well, I am officially pulling the plug on my posted TBR.I have now read three books that were not on my list.Don't get me wrong.I enjoyed every letter.And I am currently reading another book that was not on the list.But you will hear about it tomorrow.Thus far, I have completed three books:


   I have started physical books,but have yet to really get into them let alone finish one.Marley's Ghost, while good, is dragging for me. And The Wrath and the Dawn I can't seem to get into neither.That is how my reading has been these last few months.I have been reading physical books,but my ebooks have been getting special attention from me.

   I did not do the challenge,MASH.

Catch you guys later.Bye:)

Four Seasons in Book Covers Challenge

Hi guys,

   Today's challenge is hosted by Kimberly Faye over at http://www.kimberlyfayereads.com/
Spring: Peony In Love by Lisa See
Summer: The Summer Garden by Paulina Simons
Autumn: Autumn Rose by Abigail Gibbs
Winter: Deep Kiss of Winter by Kresley Cole and Gena Showalter

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Bout Of Books Day 2


   Day two of the B-O-B and I have finished "Alpha" by Jasinda Wilder.Still reading "Marly's Ghost"by David Levithan.It is quite a sad book.I think that is why it's taking me so long to get through it.But I don't want to shelve the book.I want to finish it.
   I did participate in the challenge.I debated all day and decided to do it when I wanted to take a longer break from reading.So I entered the "Book Scavenger Hunt" hosted by Kate over at The Book Monsters.Check out my entry here: http://mommymoods.blogspot.com/2015/08/bout-of-books-scavenger-hunt.html

   So that is all I have to report.I may not be reading very many books; but, along with what I do read I have been keeping up with various blogs that I follow.Something that I have been VERY VERY lax with in the past.So I will catch up with you later.Bye:)

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bout of Books Scavenger Hunt

      Hello guys and gals,
   Today's challenge is hosted by Kate over at http://www.thebookmonsters.com. So thank you Kate for giving us such a great way to rediscover all the gems we already have on our shelves.I enjoy activities that take me back to my shelves.I have a humongous TBR pile that is always growing so finding more books to read that are already among my stacks is always a bonus.My September reading pile is coming along quite nicely.

1.A Book that begins with “B”  (for Bout of Books!)

"Bloodfever"(Bk 2 in "The Chronicles of Mac" series) by Karen Marie Moning.

2. A book you’re planning to read/currently reading for Bout of Books
"Uprooted" by Naomi Novik

3. Blue Book(s)
"Dreams of Joy by Lisa See
"Pure" (Bk 2 in "The Covenant" series) by J.L. Armentrout
"The Graveyard book" by Neil Gaiman
4. Books from your favorite genre!
Paranormal Romance

5. A book on your TBR shelf, or your full TBR shelves 
Next to Paranormal Romance, I love classic retellings.This is the next I am hoping to pick up at the end of this month.

Bout of Books Day 1

  Hey guys,

    So day one of the readathon and there has already been a deviation from my TBR and I behaved exactly as predicted. I did pick up a book from my TBR.

Marly's Ghost" by David Levithan. It's a spin on Charles Dickenson's "A Christmas Carol".
I also picked up "Alpha" by Jasinda Wilder.his is the wildcard.I wasn't even planning on any adult romance in my reading life this week.It's a recommendation From Aesta of Aesta's Book Blog of FB.I'll be writing a review soon InShaAllaah.All I can say for now is WOW! It's a dark fantasy.So if you enjoy stories like those be sure to stay tuned to my blog.
   I didn't participate in the Twitter chat.I was really busy Monday evening.I did do the challenge "Fictional World of Travel".Here's my entry.
Can you guess the countries where the settings of the stories in these books?

   So that was my first day.I'm not tweeting alot.Just reading whenever I get a free moment.I am a little more busy than previous readathons.School starts next Monday so we have been gearing up for that.So,like I said, I'm just reading every chance I get.See you guys tomorrow.BYE:)

Monday, August 17, 2015

My Weekend,My Week Ahead

   Hi guys,
   A lighter blog post.Just me talking about my awesome weekend.First off I got my med problem fixed.I was off my anxiety medicine for a week because of computer issues.It's fixed,and I'm feeling better.Next up,I visited my oldest brother on Saturday.Really the group consisted of my husband and I with the kiddos,my youngest sister,youngest brother,and eldest brother.Apparently my husband thought I was kidding when I told him my older brother is rather large-in both height and stature.I hadn't seen him in a really long time guys.It was so good to see him again.Social media can only provide so much.I had a really good time.My brother was visiting from GA.He went back Sunday.The same day the hubs and I vegged out on the couch watching Manchester City vs.Chelsea on the telly.Alhamdullilah.A pretty good weekend in my book.

   But moving on to something that I have been looking forward to for months.The B-O-B.The Bout of Books readathon.For on beautiful week I will be reading with others from around the world.And I think I have a very exciting reading list planned for myself.

"A Darker Shade of Magic" (V.E.Schwab)
"The Wrath & The Dawn" (Renee Ahdieh)
"Uprooted" (Naomi Novik)
"Marly's Ghost" (David Levithan)
"An Ember In The Ashes" (Sabaa Tahir)
   These are all books that have been giving off "pick me up" signals since I'd gotten them.I had a hard time deciding between V.E. Schwab's "Vicious" and "A Darker Shade of Magic".  And I thought Marly's Ghost would just be a random quick read.I'd recently bought it.Solely because of the author and illustrator.And it's a pretty cute book too.The Archie comics are for when I need a break.I've been reaching for my Archies alot lately.I love Archie and the gang.
   As far as challenge participation I see so many I want to participate in,They all sound like fun.Let's just hope I can.And Twitter chats I never miss.I don't want to over do it,but I can't help it.There's the ideal and then there is my reality.And reality is I will be able to do maybe 2-3 challenges, and one twitter chat.I get busy with my self, family and house and sometimes reading has to wait.I probably won't even get through my entire readathon tbr.And it's okay with me.

   So there you have it.A life update,and B-O-B info.If you're waffling on joining in on the B-O-B I would say go for it.Basically it's just a read-your-butt-off-and-have-fun-while-doing-it-a-thon.You'll have lots of good fun,reading and sharing books,with a lot of great people.

Bout of Books 14 Sign-up: http://boutofbooks.blogspot.com/2015/08/bout-of-books-14-sign-up.html (Or just click the Bout of Books button)

Friday, August 14, 2015

What Had Happened Was....From Anguish To Alhamdullilah

    Rewind.2013,and I was feeling pretty good.I was reading a crap ton of books,participating in readathons,and I was active on social media.I had a YT channel and I was making videos.I wouldn't say I was a social media butterfly.But, I was interacting a lot with many different people,in different place across the US and the world.In my real life I didn't have any friends.But don't feel bad.I have never had a lot of friends before in my life.Like mama June says,"It is what it is."
   As far as Islam was concerned I was happy with my practice.While I was starting to have some issues with Muslims,the religion itself had a hold on me and my heart that still to this day makes me teary-eyed.I don't want to talk badly about any person(s) in particular.But as for myself I felt that I was starting to take things very seriously.I wouldn't be surprised if that during that time I was making someone else's practice very difficult.(Wow that is harder to type than you think.I want to delete that sentence,but there it will stay.No to shame me,but as a reminder).For the previous 6 or so months I was wearing niqab,and living an uber pious life.Shooting down the critics and their twisted misconception.And dare I brave it again- my zeal turned towards other Muslims as well.And for that I am sorry.Truly and utterly sorry.And I thank Allaah every day for the fall that came after all that pride.
   So what was the fall within Islam? Well I burned out.I got overwhelmed with all the information, and "gray areas".At the beginning of 2014 I was fed up.I felt like I was failing in my practice,and that my sisters weren't truly my friends.That second bit needs explanation.For the first 4 years of my practice of Islam I had made some great business connections with Muslim sisters.But I began to feel hurt when I wouldn't get invitations to anything but events where I was the consumer.No coffees,iftars,lunches,etc.I was invited to homes thinking we would be discussing Islam,but would leave with bags of merch without so much as one letter of the Quran being discussed.I was even consulted on what merchandise should be bought by the seller to sell to her clientele.I should have been paid for how much I played that role.(There were also a couple of occurrences that made it to the headlines.Things involving terrorism.Both falling so close to me that they did have some negative effects on how I viewed the Muslim community.)
   I have since cut off all ties with these sisters.I love them to death, and wish them and their families well.But I just can't.And unfortunately by the time I cut ties with these women things got even worse.

   In the winter,my husband's company slows to a crawl.He has to work when there is work so that we do not find ourselves in financial strain. So driving an hour away to the masjid, more often than not, isn't possible.We could drive the hour,but in that particular masjid the sexes are so separated that to split up husband and wife doesn't seem to be a problem.But it is for my husband and I.We spend large amounts of time apart.When we are at the masjid we want to be together.Eat together,sit together.We will pray in our respective sections,I happen to love our women's section,but for the rest of the time I want to be with my husband and he with me.So many times we hear,"Brother this section is for women only", or, "Brother,can you sit elsewhere?". And it's said with me sitting there with him.It's only logical to say that if we went to where the men were at I would be asked to go somewhere else.So needless to say in light of cold temps and outside being the only place we could sit together we opted to stay home.And absence from the masjid did not make my heart grow fonder. My iman started to wither.The worse things happening being my taking off my niqab first and then taking off my hijab.
   My niqab came off after a bad situation in a restaurant where I was being filmed by a complete stranger.The cops were involved.The person filming wasn't reprimanded in any way. I was just fed up with being gawked at.If hijab was meant to keep me from being bothered,this was not the hijab I need to have.So I went back to just the headscarf.But that didn't last for long either.I did eventually take off my headscarf figuring that headscarf or not I was still a good Muslim,still modest.And I was.I never stopped practicing.I did,however,give Muslims who knew me plenty to talk about.( It's now back on.And I will discuss my return in a later post InShaAllaah.)
    Another part of my fall? In 2014 my Trichotillomania and BPD came back with a vengeance,I am currently in the process of regrowing the hair on the crown of my head, and my eyelashes.I keep re plucking them(GRR!)!! Looking back 2013 was a manic swing for me.I read a ton of books,I was emphatic in my practice of Islam,I was very busy on my social platforms.Not to mention I had my kids and husband to care for.I had a lot of balls in the air.How I didn't see the mania I don't know.But when I returned to therapy after my breakdown my therapist saw it right away.2014 I had abandoned just about everything.I sneakingly say I was in a one year reading slump.But I was depressed.And I did all things the depressed do.Which is dig my own hole and bury myself in it.Which caused my anxiety to rear it's ugly head.
   What threw things into depression maximum overdrive was an incident,(Winter 2014/2015),with a company my husband used to contract with.Basically they owed him over $7,000 USD. I,however, didn't find this out until the fourth month of nonpayment.My husband is just too nice.He didn't pressure the company for payment AND he continued to do jobs for them.And we were not the only ones.This caused major problems between me and my husband.I ended up getting them to pay only after going to their offices and causing a scene.(Which is very easy to do with a chemical imbalance.)Then instead of payment in full,my husband agreed to a payment plan spanning five months!! And they even wanted him to continue working with the company.I calmed down about the payment plan,but wouldn't budge on my view about continuing with them.They were very adamant about him completing jobs for them,but beat around the bush when it came time to pay.And sadly my husband's immigration status makes him afraid to speak up sometimes.I'm glad to say we are no longer in contract with that company.
   Fast forward to 2015. I returned to therapy and medication in February.I got back in the gym.I put one foot in front of the other and I returned to civilization.I am currently on only one medication.I hate taking a lot of pills so I decided-with my wonderful therapist- to do two therapy sessions a week and one med.I wish I could do no meds.But it's not possible at the moment.And two therapy sessions are a must for me.I found this out through trial and error.
   And so here I am blogging again.It was a big topic of discussion for four months.And I am currently discussing my YT channel's future with my husband and my therapist.There is a lot that goes into video making-even the simplest ones.The set up,preparation,filming,editing,posting,and comment section care is very time consuming.The perfectionist in me want to do right by my channel and those who watch my videos.But I do miss sharing the things that matter to me with the world.Like I said I am practicing Islam.I am wearing the headscarf again.But I have a very different view on Islam and my practice of it now.
   Just recently I felt genuinely happy for all of like 10 seconds.Not literally that amount of time.But for a brief moment I felt happy.And it was like that first sip of water when breaking your fast.Again I am involved in things that give me so much that I wish they would never end.I have given up on normal.That does not exist.I'm not normal.I have my issues-as does everyone else.I just can't hide mine as well.And that is okay.I have connected with some great people.I have a therapist that I consider a dear friend.(I am wondering if she can accept gifts.I really want to give her something wonderful.Maybe as a wedding present?)I am not alone.And after a year of thinking I was this is a humongous difference for me.
  Does this mean I am cured?No.Does this mean that I now have the keys to never relapsing again?Certainly not.But it does mean that for this moment I can get excited about my books,find happiness in my children,accept love from my husband,and help from strangers.It means I can take care of my pets.It means I will play with makeup,try on a million outfits,and wear perfume.It means my food has flavor,and my thirst is quenched.It means that now I can do my best and my best is good enough.It means that for now with all sincerity,I can say,"Alhamdullilah".

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Back To the Beginning

   So,here I am.Back at the beginning.A lot has happened.A lot more has not happened.And now I find myself having to come clean,(and it's kind of scary).To myself.To the world.No,scratch that.It's coming clean to myself that scares me the most.
   I must admit.There was a time when I thought I was and had to be world changing.Not famous as in celebrity.Just...Yoda-like in my being.I would say and do profound things.And I would inspire others to do the same.It didn't turn out that way.I was neither profound,nor overly inspiring.At least not on a Yoda level anyway.And I laugh.Now,but not before.Before,my world fell apart.Uncontrollably disassembled before my very eyes.And me being helpless to stop it found myself once again in a place I swore I would never go again.
   I will go into greater detail in later posts.I have to as restarting this blog has become part of my recovery.But long story short, I spent almost all-if not all- of 2014 falling back under the control of my BPD. Yes.I have BPD. Along with Anxiety,and Trichotillomania.
  In 2013 I was on top of my little world.I was on every social media platform,I had an active YT channel,and I was blogging too.I had a few brushes here and there with my tricky little brain before 2013.(F.Y.I, I was formally diagnosed in 2009.)And I was handling things pretty well.Until I wasn't. But that is for another post that, surprisingly enough, I can't wait to get to.
  So here I am to introduce myself.I cannot rightfully say reintroduce and you will soon read why.Just know that I will be honest,sometimes almost embarrassingly so,and I will be open.I will write things you believe I shouldn't. I will confess things I will probably later regret.There will be sweat,and there will be tears......And there will be fun.